This post good also be entitled: “Divulging Some ‘Secrets’ That No Longer Need to Be Secret” or “The Crazy Adoption Roller Coaster.” You can take your pick.
If you haven’t noticed, I have been pretty quiet on this blog lately. It wasn’t because I didn’t have a lot to say (we all know I always have something to say). It was because everything that I wanted to say needed to be kept hush hush. Most times that I thought about our adoption journey, I thought about things that I couldn’t share (at the time) and I couldn’t come up with anything else to write about, so I stayed quiet.
You see, in the last few months, we have been presented with five separate adoption possibilities. I asked all of you to keep your eyes and ears open for adoption situations and you sure have. Before you think I am going to make a big announcement, I should probably tell you, we ARE NOT matched, but we are at peace and are thankful that God is guiding and protecting us. Keep those ears open!
Each situation has been exciting, even when we thought it was a long shot, and each one has resulted in my brain thinking non-stop about it and over-analyzing every single detail I knew. Each situation has brought about hope, a little bit of anxiety, a lot of wondering, and even more prayer. In these times of wondering, praying, and over-analyzing, a minute feels like an hour, an hour feels like a day, and a day feels like a week. I check my email and phone WAY too often and, inevitably, the minute I stop checking and leave my phone somewhere or vow not to use it, I miss a call. At one point, I realized I had only known about a situation for 12 hours, but it felt like it had been part of my thoughts for a week.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12
I am thankful for the peace of the Lord, but that doesn’t mean that this journey hasn’t been trying and consuming at times. I am so thankful for friends who listen to me vent and point me back to God and remind me of all that He has done for us. You see, even when the “No’s” have been a slight relief (because I didn’t have a peace about a situation or because there were some scary unknowns), each one has also been a small disappointment. It is a hope deferred (Prov 13:12), because each time, whether I tried to stop it or not, my brain hoped that this could be our next child and began to picture our life as a family of 4! You see, I used to try to protect myself and guard my heart with each and every situation. I still do to a point, but I have learned that if I am to be utterly surrendered to God’s will, I need to trust Him to protect me and I just need to say “yes” when He asks if I am willing. I am learning that no matter how hard I try, it is impossible to stop my mind from “going there.” Instead, when my mind does go there, I turn it over to Him and ask for His will to be done and for Him to protect our family . It is so great to know that God’s plans are BEST for our lives and that He has good things in store for us! I fail a lot and over think things, as I try to decipher His will and read into every possible sign, but ultimately, He is right there ready and willing to protect us and guide us if we ask Him. I am so thankful that He knows the details of each and every situation. He knows what the future holds and what we can handle. He knows what will be best for the baby and the baby’s biological family. He closes doors when they need to be closed. What peace this knowledge brings!
Certainly The Lord guards the way of the godly ~Psalm 1:6a
The 5 situations that have been shared with us have each been unique and all have stretched us in one way or another, as we waited, sought God, and prayed for direction. One – a set of 3 year old twins; another – a young girl who lived nearby and was considering adoption as an option fairly late in the pregnancy; another – a married expectant mom with children, considering an adoption plan for her unborn baby; another – a young girl who lived further away and had just told her parents; and, most recently – a high risk pregnancy with a very early delivery scheduled. Some situations advanced further than others. In one, the expectant mom never saw our profile, while in another we were tentatively chosen and I was mentally decorating a nursery. It has been a roller coaster that I haven’t wanted to drag everyone on (except for a select few prayer warriors), but it has also been a time of growing in faith and praying for other people’s children and for sweet women who are at a point in their life where they really need prayer! Although the hope deferred does sometimes make my heart sick, I know that the tree of life is coming (as it already has with sweet Abby), and am finding joy in the moment, enjoying our girl, trusting God, and meeting amazing people along the way.
Thank you for your prayers for us along the journey! God is truly guiding and directing. We are anxious for the day when we get to meet our next little one(s). Some days I am less patient than I should be, but tonight, right now, I have joy and peace!